THE GREAT DIVIDE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: HOW TO FIX IT AND BUILD SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS

PART 2

In my last blog I discussed why relationships between men and women are so rocky in today’s world. Today, as promised, I will write about what makes men and women so different from each other and more importantly, how relationships can be successful despite these differences.

NOTE: Keep in mind that I am generalizing from my experience from studying both men and women individually and working with couples. You and your mate may have specific differences that I do not mention here.

MEN:

A man defines himself by what he does for a living or his career. And he is very simple in comparison to women. You can figure him out easily if you study his behavior - he goes to work, puts in his required hours, comes home, eats and does whatever he enjoys - watching television, playing video games, having a beer with the guys, playing with his toys (electronic gadgets, tools for his car or computer), repairing something around the house, talking to his wife (in certain situations this activity may be very limited for various reasons – see top ten reasons for divorce in Part 1)… and at the end of the day, he wants to be sexually intimate with his woman – of course, if there isn’t any arguing, fussing or fighting going on. Everything he does is simple and logical and this is where he puts his meaning and value.

He can do this year-in and year-out without change? Women may look at this as being boring – and it probably is after a while – but this is the way men are genetically wired and environmentally groomed.

Since guys are very logical, they like for things to go according to a logical plan.

Being the left brain types, guys generally cannot handle intense emotions – such as crying or being upset over small things or about what someone said to them or about them negatively - at least not for long. But because of his drive to have sex (a man is biologically designed to procreate), he will tolerate his mate’s emotions more than normal.

On Relationships:

Bonding: The more sex he has with his woman, the closer he feels to her. The less sex he has with her (because of arguments, fights, and emotional battles), the more his mind will wander – which ultimately draws him apart from her. Without the intimacy with his woman, his nature will build up - he can actually feel it in his nether regions - physically - and his thoughts may become stronger (daydreaming about sex, etc.). Thus, one of the top reasons for divorce may rear its ugly head: infidelity (number 1 on the Top Ten list of reasons for divorce).

Weaknesses: Because of his logic (doing the same things year after year), he is very limited in his tastes for clothes, food, conversation and culture. His idea of a night out on the town may be going to the local buffet for the all-you-can-eat menu –he loves to save money! After all, saving pennies is the logical thing to do, right? And he oftentimes may miss the subtle messages that his woman may be sending out about how she feels, which can be a cause for an argument.

Strengths: Being the logical type, he knows how to get things done. This helps his relationship in terms of paying bills, building the bank account, having the car repaired, fixing things around the house, and being good with time management. Since he isn’t fancy, he can stay with the same woman forever as long as she treats him right – which equates to less emotions/arguments and more physical intimacy. While he isn’t emotional, he has learned over the years how to cope with emotions when it comes to his woman.

WOMEN:

A woman defines herself by her relationship or her family. Because of her emotions and intuition, she is genetically wired and environmentally groomed to be in touch with her feelings and has a desire to be different. According to statistics, she speaks 20,000 words per day compared to man’s 7,000 words per day; because of these factors, this makes her the most complex species on earth!

Being the right brain type, she loves beauty, making herself pretty, and has a penchant for shopping. Women generally dislike boredom or doing the same things over and over again like men do.

On Relationships:

Bonding: The more she is moved – i.e., stimulated mentally and emotionally – by her man, the closer she feels to him. Without being shown attention and affection in her relationship, her nature will build up and her thoughts will begin to wander. She will daydream about romance, the need to hear how beautiful she is or how much she is wanted and loved. Because of her dislike for the mundane, she may easily think the 'grass is greener in other pastures' – and this sometimes may lead to infidelity (number 1 on the Top Ten list of reasons for divorce).

Weaknesses: Time management – since she is the right brain type, she is moved by how she feels/her own time and not by man’s clock. Because her emotions make her complex (and her complexity makes her feel unique about herself), she may cause drama in the relationship and hold on to an argument longer than her mate which ultimately causes her relationship more issues. She may use her emotions – intentionally or unintentionally – to control the relationship.

Strengths: She is a nurturing being. Without her love for beauty, culture, fashion, the need to keep up with current events and her penchant to talk, the relationship will become boring. She helps her man when it comes to selecting his clothes and helping him to become more cultured. Her decorations make the house more of a home. With her need to be sociable, she helps him come out of his shell when it comes to having fun. She is good with organizing events, trips and outings for the family.

So now it’s back to the original question: How can a relationship become better or more successful?

Women’s complexity and man’s simplicity may certainly present major issues in relationships. If neither are consciously aware and appreciative of each other’s differences, the relationship would inevitably suffer.

Yet, here’s the clincher: Instead of using your differences as a tool to compete and fight, you can use them as if you are both partners in a card game for high stakes competing against two other partners for the win.

We first have to stop seeing ourselves as separate from each other and embrace the other’s strengths and weaknesses. Because my partner is different than I am doesn’t mean that we aren’t meant to be soul-mates. She has abilities, skills and ideals that she brings to the table and so does he.

This, however, requires growing up and becoming mature! And it also requires… COMMITMENT!

Once we understand and appreciate the differences and ‘let go’ of our ego (it certainly gets in the way in a relationship), only then can we compromise with our wants and needs in relation to our mate’s wants and needs.

We all know we have our own issues and problems (drama, being overly emotional or too analytical, being negative, angry, hostile, competitive, having a need for control, or just natural differences between men and women) and it is these issues that cause our relationship problems. Since we know this, why do we hold on to them? If we have no intentions of letting go of our own issues (or at least move them out of the relationship’s way), why be in a relationship and make ourselves sick, our mate miserable and eventually, contribute to the divorce rate statistics?

John Owens
Clinical Hypnotherapist & Life Coach
Hypnosis & Self-Enhancement Books & CDs: http://www.hypnotizeanybody.com
Hypnotherapy Services: http://www.hypnotherapy4health.com
Joimethod: http://www.joimethod.com

HOW MANY SESSIONS?

As a clinical hypnotherapist, people ask me this question all the time – it is probably the most common question I am asked. As health care costs mount up and salaries appear to remain stagnant, I am well aware that the usual fee for hypnotherapists may sound expensive. However, breaking a habit, one of the hardest tasks that man (or woman) would ever have to do in his entire life, is no fun and games.

There are good habits and bad habits, yet everything we do is habit. Think about this:

In the morning when you get up for work or school or for whatever you get up for, what’s the first thing you do? Some people get up and go straight to brush their teeth, others may get up and take a shower, and some may fix coffee or breakfast before doing anything else. Whatever you do, you usually do it the same way each and every day – it’s a routine.

How many times have you driven your car down the same road and stopped at the same stop sign or traffic light on the way to or from work? Yes, there may be other routes you can take to get to work but, for whatever reason, you take the same route each day. There could be times when your mind may think of something else while driving and you just happen to arrive on the job anyway without realizing how you got there.

Habits are just small, medium and large ‘programs’ embedded in our minds. Tying your shoes is a habit. Riding a bike is a habit – even though we don’t think of it that way because we get physical enjoyment out of it, just as we do with another activity such as swimming. But your muscles (hands, feet, thighs and calves) are trained on what to do, whether that is riding a bike or swimming. These two activities may require different muscle groups to be activated at different times, yet they know what to do. Any time you can do it in the dark, without conscious thought or without looking directly at it, it has become habit – which is a program.

Why are habits such a big part of our lives? If we had to relearn everything we do during the day each new time we did it, we would be very frustrated. So our minds are set up so that once we do something (scientists say that we must do it for 21 consecutive days), it begins to ‘stick’ or become habit.

Of course, I never get calls about good habits. My calls come to me when someone has allowed a ‘bad’ habit or negative behavior to ruin their lives. These ‘bad’ habits stem from eating too much, eating the wrong things, drinking too much, swearing too much, too much negative chatter going on in the back of one’s mind, being too lazy, feeling depressed all the time, suffering from a form of addiction, having a habit of attracting the wrong man or woman, compulsive behavior (obsessive compulsive disorder)... and the list goes on and on.

Getting back to the original question – how many hypnosis sessions do I need? In answer, I will quote a good friend of mine Dr. Brady Hurst who is a scholar and a gentleman and has been a great source of information about how the mind and the emotions work. “John, to change habits, the mind needs repetition, repetition, repetition.” This certainly is in line with what the scientists say that it takes 21 consecutive days to make or break a habit.

With that said, I advise clients that they can do however many sessions they are comfortable with (financially). However, if they really want to change or break their negative habits which they have accumulated over a significant amount of time, they would need at least six sessions to start out with and they should gear themselves up for more if the habit requires (oftentimes, this is the case). Nobody said it was easy – but with will and determination and openness, anything is possible.

In addition to attending sessions in my office, my clients would also need to learn self-hypnosis (which I would teach them) and listen to a general or customized*** hypnosis CD especially at night before and during sleep for at least a month. It takes an aggressive approach to eradicate an aggressive, persistent problem.

***(contact me for more info on customized CDs)

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Thank you for reading,

John
Clinical Hypnotherapist & Life Coach
Hypnosis & Self-Enhancement Books & CDs: http://www.hypnotizeanybody.com/
Hypnotherapy Services: http://www.hypnotherapy4health.com/
Joimethod: http://www.joimethod.com/