Monday, February 2, 2009



In my last blog I discussed why relationships between men and women are so rocky in today’s world. Today, as promised, I will write about what makes men and women so different from each other and more importantly, how relationships can be successful despite these differences.

NOTE: Keep in mind that I am generalizing from my experience from studying both men and women individually and working with couples. You and your mate may have specific differences that I do not mention here.


A man defines himself by what he does for a living or his career. And he is very simple in comparison to women. You can figure him out easily if you study his behavior - he goes to work, puts in his required hours, comes home, eats and does whatever he enjoys - watching television, playing video games, having a beer with the guys, playing with his toys (electronic gadgets, tools for his car or computer), repairing something around the house, talking to his wife (in certain situations this activity may be very limited for various reasons – see top ten reasons for divorce in Part 1)… and at the end of the day, he wants to be sexually intimate with his woman – of course, if there isn’t any arguing, fussing or fighting going on. Everything he does is simple and logical and this is where he puts his meaning and value.

He can do this year-in and year-out without change? Women may look at this as being boring – and it probably is after a while – but this is the way men are genetically wired and environmentally groomed.

Since guys are very logical, they like for things to go according to a logical plan.

Being the left brain types, guys generally cannot handle intense emotions – such as crying or being upset over small things or about what someone said to them or about them negatively - at least not for long. But because of his drive to have sex (a man is biologically designed to procreate), he will tolerate his mate’s emotions more than normal.

On Relationships:

Bonding: The more sex he has with his woman, the closer he feels to her. The less sex he has with her (because of arguments, fights, and emotional battles), the more his mind will wander – which ultimately draws him apart from her. Without the intimacy with his woman, his nature will build up - he can actually feel it in his nether regions - physically - and his thoughts may become stronger (daydreaming about sex, etc.). Thus, one of the top reasons for divorce may rear its ugly head: infidelity (number 1 on the Top Ten list of reasons for divorce).

Weaknesses: Because of his logic (doing the same things year after year), he is very limited in his tastes for clothes, food, conversation and culture. His idea of a night out on the town may be going to the local buffet for the all-you-can-eat menu –he loves to save money! After all, saving pennies is the logical thing to do, right? And he oftentimes may miss the subtle messages that his woman may be sending out about how she feels, which can be a cause for an argument.

Strengths: Being the logical type, he knows how to get things done. This helps his relationship in terms of paying bills, building the bank account, having the car repaired, fixing things around the house, and being good with time management. Since he isn’t fancy, he can stay with the same woman forever as long as she treats him right – which equates to less emotions/arguments and more physical intimacy. While he isn’t emotional, he has learned over the years how to cope with emotions when it comes to his woman.


A woman defines herself by her relationship or her family. Because of her emotions and intuition, she is genetically wired and environmentally groomed to be in touch with her feelings and has a desire to be different. According to statistics, she speaks 20,000 words per day compared to man’s 7,000 words per day; because of these factors, this makes her the most complex species on earth!

Being the right brain type, she loves beauty, making herself pretty, and has a penchant for shopping. Women generally dislike boredom or doing the same things over and over again like men do.

On Relationships:

Bonding: The more she is moved – i.e., stimulated mentally and emotionally – by her man, the closer she feels to him. Without being shown attention and affection in her relationship, her nature will build up and her thoughts will begin to wander. She will daydream about romance, the need to hear how beautiful she is or how much she is wanted and loved. Because of her dislike for the mundane, she may easily think the 'grass is greener in other pastures' – and this sometimes may lead to infidelity (number 1 on the Top Ten list of reasons for divorce).

Weaknesses: Time management – since she is the right brain type, she is moved by how she feels/her own time and not by man’s clock. Because her emotions make her complex (and her complexity makes her feel unique about herself), she may cause drama in the relationship and hold on to an argument longer than her mate which ultimately causes her relationship more issues. She may use her emotions – intentionally or unintentionally – to control the relationship.

Strengths: She is a nurturing being. Without her love for beauty, culture, fashion, the need to keep up with current events and her penchant to talk, the relationship will become boring. She helps her man when it comes to selecting his clothes and helping him to become more cultured. Her decorations make the house more of a home. With her need to be sociable, she helps him come out of his shell when it comes to having fun. She is good with organizing events, trips and outings for the family.

So now it’s back to the original question: How can a relationship become better or more successful?

Women’s complexity and man’s simplicity may certainly present major issues in relationships. If neither are consciously aware and appreciative of each other’s differences, the relationship would inevitably suffer.

Yet, here’s the clincher: Instead of using your differences as a tool to compete and fight, you can use them as if you are both partners in a card game for high stakes competing against two other partners for the win.

We first have to stop seeing ourselves as separate from each other and embrace the other’s strengths and weaknesses. Because my partner is different than I am doesn’t mean that we aren’t meant to be soul-mates. She has abilities, skills and ideals that she brings to the table and so does he.

This, however, requires growing up and becoming mature! And it also requires… COMMITMENT!

Once we understand and appreciate the differences and ‘let go’ of our ego (it certainly gets in the way in a relationship), only then can we compromise with our wants and needs in relation to our mate’s wants and needs.

We all know we have our own issues and problems (drama, being overly emotional or too analytical, being negative, angry, hostile, competitive, having a need for control, or just natural differences between men and women) and it is these issues that cause our relationship problems. Since we know this, why do we hold on to them? If we have no intentions of letting go of our own issues (or at least move them out of the relationship’s way), why be in a relationship and make ourselves sick, our mate miserable and eventually, contribute to the divorce rate statistics?

John Owens
Clinical Hypnotherapist & Life Coach
Hypnosis & Self-Enhancement Books & CDs:
Hypnotherapy Services:

No comments: